This article is one of a series I plan to release in the hopes of helping men (and women) break free of the bondage of pornography addiction. Now the title and content of this article may offend some men, especially men with a hidden addiction to pornography. But the reality is quite simple, until the dark habit of viewing porn is brought into the light you cannot be free of the chains that bind you.
Men, you can be angry with me for writing this article, but if it helps get you on the path to freedom it is worth it… no matter how painful those first few steps may be.
To the wives and girlfriends reading this article
I want to share a few things with you before I get started. First pornography addiction is very much like all other addictions (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling) in the way chemical reactions take over the mind and body of the addicted. However, I believe that pornography addiction is the worst of ALL addictions especially when it comes to the utter destruction it brings in its wake. The man in your life who suffers with this addiction needs help. It is my hope that this article will help shed some light in dark places, and expose the problem if it exists.
Second, you need to understand something… your man probably (I cannot say definitively) loves you very much and his viewing of pornography is NOT a result of anything you did or did not do. It does NOT mean he has stopped loving you, your children or your marriage. It does NOT mean he does not desire you any more. It does NOT mean he doesn’t find you attractive.
When men watch pornography their brains literally get re-wired and what was once normal thinking, becomes tainted and twisted… logic plays no part in the thinking process when you are lost in lust.
Lust held me in its chains from the age of 7 years old, when I happened upon hardcore pornography on an old VHS tape. You want to know the scary part? If I try I can still recall those images in vivid detail 39 years later. That is the powerful effect that porn has on a young mind. When I came to Jesus Christ 11 years ago, I still had a pornography addiction that was out of control… the only difference was I became keenly aware of the deadly sin in my life. It was such a struggle… watch porn, masturbate secretly, be overcome with grief and shame… wash and repeat. Over and Over. It was an absolute nightmare.
I only share this with you to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone previously lost in this addiction. You may not know that your man watches porn, but I can tell you this… most men either have or currently do watch it regularly… not all but MOST. So what are some warning signs you should look out for?
Here are 5 Signs Your Husband May Secretly Be Watching Pornography:
- The Clicking Mouse. Does your man have his computer in an office or room away from others? When you walk near or past the room do you hear the mouse clicking, when before it was silent? Does he always seem to be clicking away when you walk in the room? If he is secretly watching porn, he is closing browsers to cover up his behavior.
- Clean Browsing History. Does he always keep his browsing history clean? If you don’t know how to check it… simply google “how to check browsing history in google chrome” or whatever browser he uses. Today every browser has a private browsing feature that he can turn on anytime he wants to keep his habit a secret. But I never used that in my addiction, I would simply wipe the browsing history.
- Hidden Movies and Images. Many men will hide porn on their computer… they will find a nice folder deep within the file structure on their hard drive and tuck away videos and images for future “use”. If you open file explorer you can do a search for many of the most popular file type extensions like – .jpg, .png, .gif for images and .mov, .mpg, .avi for movies. If you select the hard drive and search those file types… it will bring up everything in those hard to find folders. Now I am NOT suggesting you become a super spy and secretly logon to your man’s computer to start digging for hidden porn. However, there may be a commonly used computer that can be checked. If it is there, you should know about it.
- Secretive Phone Use. Does your man take his smart phone with him everywhere? Even the bathroom? Does he quickly put it down, or close the screen when you walk in the room? These may be signs he is viewing porn on his device.
- Erectile Dysfunction. Pornography addiction and the frequent masturbation that follows commonly results in poor sexual performance. The reason is simple, the mind and body becomes adjusted to a quick fix… and after a while it generally only responds to the drug of choice. Keep in mind, there are countless reasons a man may be having performance issues… like being overweight, having diabetes, growing older etc. It should NOT be automatically assumed the source of the problem is pornography. But IF pornography is an issue, when he kicks the habit for good, his mind will be rewired back to normal and he will eventually be restored in this area.
The intent of this article is NOT to create an Army of super-detective spy women who go about accusing their men of watching porn!
The intent is to give you an awareness that you may not have had before. If your man is caught in this addiction, he needs your help, he needs your love and he needs your unyielding support. This might be the hardest thing in the world for you to provide, because when a man watches porn his wife often feels betrayed… just as if he had an affair with another woman… and I do not condemn those thoughts.
What I am asking you to do, is SEE THROUGH those thoughts… to what’s really at play here. Do you know that pornography is one of the Devils greatest weapons? He prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). He uses all sorts of deadly attacks to bring people down and this particular weapon is DEADLY beyond belief. Don’t see your husband as an unloving, uncaring, adulterous, ____________. See your husband as a man lost in SIN (Romans 3:23) and facing an enemy daily that he is too weak to overcome (Mark 14:38). An enemy that has been destroying the lives of men from the dawn of time.
How should you respond when you find out your husband has a secret addiction to porn? Pray for him, love him, support him, stand with him. Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago for ALL OF OUR SINS past, present and future (1 Peter 3:18). At this time, your husband needs you, he needs Jesus and he needs to FIGHT for your marriage, for your children and for your family. HE NEEDS HELP. It is in the darkest moments of life, that we need to become warriors. Prayer warriors that won’t back down when the devil tries to take everything from us. Now is the time to become that warrior.
In the upcoming weeks I will be releasing more articles to equip you for the battle ahead. The next one will be directed at your man… it will be a heart to heart from one man to another. I will challenge him to be a man and take a stand for is family.
After that I will publish a long list of tools and resources you can use to get through this. Dear sister, there is HOPE… and His name is Jesus Christ.
Here are some other resources you might find helpful
- How Harmful Is Pornography?
- 5 Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction
- Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction
- Living a Secret Life of Sin?
- Love Yourself As God Loves You
- What Is Your Secret Identity?
- What does it mean to Surrender?
- The Secret to True Healing…