This is a very delicate subject and if you are a wife whose husband has been caught watching pornography… you are likely going through a firestorm of emotions. You probably feel betrayed, unworthy, unloved, unattractive… and it may feel like your world is crashing down around you. Every situation is different, you may have a husband who outwardly is a very dedicated Christian leader, perhaps a great father to his kids, and at some point was the husband you always dreamed of.
But something changed.
You start to take notice of certain things, you never noticed before. He has suddenly lost interest in you sexually or has become distant and detached emotionally. You may notice irritability or unstable emotions that weren’t there before. Then one day it happens, you catch him masturbating to pornography, or maybe you stumble upon his hidden pornography stored in some hidden folder on his computer… or vastly worse your children find it.
Your heart sinks, you feel sick, you cry out in a pain that can only be rivaled by a few things. You are now completely unsure of your future. If he is hiding this secret, what else is he hiding you ask yourself. Is there another woman involved? Is he planning to leave you and the kids? Does he have a second life, a mistress on the side? Why is he always running late at work?
These thoughts overwhelm you to the point that you feel completely lost, not just in life, but even in yourself. You have given everything to this man, you have loved him… sacrificed everything to be with him… have remained loyal to him… and this is the bitter result.
What do you do?
Your first instinct may be to run, to gather the kids and head for the hills. Indeed, you could even back up your decision Biblically if needed, as most would consider pornography as a form of Adultery. You tell yourself you can never trust him again, you have no idea what other lies may be tucked away in his life.
But can I offer you another path? Forgiveness. There are three things I want you to take away from this article that are VERY important.
- Your husband needs help. Depending on how addicted he is to pornography it could require MASSIVE measures to break free. In this moment of pain, it is hard to think of your husband as needing help, as he is the offender and you are the victim. But I would ask you to frame it differently in your mind… the ENEMY (the Devil and his minions) are the real offenders and your marriage and family are the victims. Your husband has fallen into a very deadly trap that Satan has been using since the dawn of time to destroy men. The same trap I fell into and countless others. This is NOT a “get out of jail FREE card” for your husband, he still has to accept his responsibility in this. He made his choices, and recognizing this will be the very first step on his path to recovery. However, please be aware there are forces at work trying to kill, steal and destroy EVERYTHING. Your marriage included.
- Your husband’s pornography addiction is not a reflection of anything you have done, the way you look, or his love for you. All the years I was addicted to porn, I still loved my wife immeasurably, I was simply lost in a world of darkness. Jesus came to my rescue and He can do the same for your husband.
- There is hope for a better future. Your husband can break free of pornography, millions of men have found freedom. Our testimony as Christians is always being written and when we overcome an area in our life like pornography, two things happen, God gets all the glory as He should and our testimony will help others find freedom. One day as crazy as it sounds you may be counseling other women who have caught their husbands as you have.
Now, if you want to fight for your marriage, this is what I recommend. Get on your knees and become a Prayer Warrior over your husband. The power of a praying wife CANNOT be understated. This I can speak of from experience as my Prayer Warrior Wife helped me find Christ when I was lost in Atheism and again when I was addicted to Pornography, Anger and Pride.
I remember the day vividly, just after I was caught secretly watching pornography, that my wife came into my room crying. She told me that day “Jesus never gave up on her, and she would never give up on me.” Emotion fills me as I write about it here today… what a powerful statement of love. I am so thankful that Jesus blessed me with her.
As you pray over your husband (and don’t stop) his behavior must be brought into the light. Depending on circumstances, the truth must be told to a trusted Christian friend, mentor or leader within the Church. This is something you should decide together. If your husband serves in Ministry then the Pastor must be made aware so he can decide the best path forward.
If you have just caught your husband in the act, and have yet to tell anyone, have a long conversation with him. Tell him how much he has hurt you, he needs to hear it. If you two decide to stand together against this… which is my prayer, then he is going to have to man up and fight.
Here are some resources to help you on this path dear Sister.
- Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives
- How Pornography Rewires Your Brain – PDF from Covenant Eyes
- E-book: Hope After Porn
- Overcome Porn: The 40 Day Challenge
Additionally I want to point you to a very special blog… Tears in a Bottle “A Safe Haven for Wounded Hearts” is not only the tagline of this site but what it represents at every level. Cynthia is a living example of the healing power of Jesus Christ no matter how broken-hearted we may be, and her stories come from a place of honesty and transparency. Please visit her site and be blessed by her writings as I have.
We recently released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do is click here or on the image below to download the free PDF now.