I’m Coming Clean About My Secret Addiction

People who know me or those who see me regularly would not be surprised or shocked by what I am about to reveal to you… But I have been hiding an addiction for nearly my entire life. Until Now. Sadly it is an addiction that has been normalized in our society which makes it even easier to justify.

My name is Keith, and I am addicted to food.

You might be asking why people close to me wouldn’t be surprised… that’s because I have grown to over 330 lbs in weight with a belly that could hold triplets if I were a pregnant woman. As you know I am no stranger to addiction… as I have battled alcohol in the distant past and pornography in the not-so distant past. For some reason I have allowed my logical mind to stop operating when it comes to my food addiction.

What do I mean? Allow me illustrate…

Imagine I am addicted to crack cocaine. I get through a tough week, but manage not to use crack… then Sunday comes… FREE DAY! So I decide to smoke some crack to celebrate my week of crack-free living… plus it will help me get through the coming week.

Now take that paragraph above and insert ANY addiction. Smoking weed, Drinking, Gambling, Porn, Anger… ANY OTHER ADDICTION. When you do that, in every single case it sounds completely ludicrous. Completely insane. Except when it comes to food.

Moderation is the key they say (those food experts out there), you can eat anything you want as long as it’s in moderation. What a load of crap. Why can’t we smoke crack cocaine in moderation? Why can’t we watch a “little” porn here and there… in moderation? WHY? Because certain things in life are POISONOUS. Toxic. Dangerous. And as a Christian I know I should avoid those things at all costs.

And YES, the wrong foods are in that same category.

Please understand something… I am not trying to change your life, change your mind or change the world. I am simply sharing a personal struggle I have had my entire life. Not a week goes by that I don’t consume an entire large pizza myself… in most weeks, it’s multiple pizzas. I don’t drink alcohol any more but I do put down about six 2 liters of soda per week. Ice cream, junk cereal, burgers, tacos, fries… you name it. If it is bad for you and comes out of a drive-thru then it’s part of my regular diet.

Every day I wake up feeling like an 80 year old man in a 47 year old body… I cannot sleep on my stomach, it’s too big, I have to sleep on my side like a pregnant woman. I cannot tie my shoes without losing my breath. I cannot stand for long periods of time without aches and pains. I cannot buy clothes in normal  stores I need to shop at specialty big and tall man stores. I cannot sit comfortably in most places… like churches, airplanes, restaurant booths or movie theaters. God forbid If I ever have to defend my family, I would be all but useless.

Today is the day. October 2nd, 2018. My new sobriety date. The day I stop eating the wrong foods and start exercising. The day I reclaim my health. The day I start treating my food addiction… as a REAL ADDICTION.  With accountability partners, meetings, the whole thing. I will no longer allow myself to have a FREE DAY or to put poisons in my body. Today is a new day and I will be dedicating a serious amount of time on this blog in support of my journey.

Here is a photo that was just taken this past Sunday September 30, 2018
(that’s me in the white shirt)… the other folks are none other than Adam’s Road…

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You can see how far I have to go, but in the next week I will take some actual before photos and post some stats that are measurable once I visit my doctor and get some blood work results.

My brother in Christ Rudy is lending me his elliptical machine for as long as I need it! Praise God for good friends. Tomorrow I will be picking it up, I also have a next door neighbor who is going to let me use their Bowflex… you see how God removes every excuse I can come up with?

But let’s not kid ourselves, the only way to truly succeed is to change my eating habits once and for all. For that God has given me my beautiful wife who is pure Vegan. She has been gently nudging me towards that for years, but I have resisted every time. Today I stop resisting. Tomorrow I am off to the store to buy some vegetables, fruits and other items to get me started. She has been reading and studying this stuff for years, so I will just follow her expertise.

The next few weeks, probably months, will be very difficult and challenging for me… so I am outright asking for your prayers and encouragement. This will be the single biggest obstacle I have ever had to overcome… even compared to pornography. I will have to rely heavily on Jesus Christ to carry me through and I will have to be on my knees in prayer constantly.

The road will be the most difficult but the rewards will be INCREDIBLE. As with every other time I have faced an addiction in my life, I always try to pump myself up… I’ll probably be playing some Rocky music soon (that works every time). In all seriousness I want to thank you in advance for any prayers…. 225 lbs is the objective. That is over 100 lbs.

Let’s do this.

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Take The 40 Day Porn-Free Challenge

Stand Tall For Christ exists to equip Christians around the world, to help them live a life of Victory in Jesus Christ. A major aspect of this ministry is to help other men (or women) escape the deadly bondage of Pornography. I have written extensively on this subject and invite you to visit the Overcoming Pornography Archives for more.

Today however I want to challenge YOU to accept a very special challenge. Now when I say YOU, I am referring to those who currently watch pornography, even if you don’t think you have a “problem”. If you believe or KNOW you are addicted to Porn, then this challenge is ESPECIALLY for you.

Years ago I was introduced to a company called Covenant Eyes. They provide accountability software that monitors all of my device use and then sends accountability reports to my team every week. I CANNOT express enough how important this software has been on my road to recovery and now on my continued path of victory. You will find links to Covenant Eyes all around this site, because I believe in their products and use their products. This company does have an affiliate program, which I utilize to help offset the costs of running this blog, but I have always recommended this company even before I was an affiliate. Because it works.

Now onto the 40 Day Challenge

If you click this banner, it will take you to the Covenant Eyes page where you can enter your email and join the 40 Day Challenge. Essentially, every day for 40 Days you will receive an email with articles, videos, encouragement and tools to help you stay far away from Porn for the next 40 Days. It doesn’t cost a dime.

My hope and my prayer is that after those 40 Days you will stay on that path for life and experience intimacy with your wife as God designed and intended. If you have any questions, praise reports or prayer requests you can either post them in the comments below or email me directly for privacy: standtallforchrist@gmail.com

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What a Wife Should Do If Her Husband Is Caught Watching Pornography

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Photo By Joshua Rawson Harris on Unsplash

This is a very delicate subject and if you are a wife whose husband has been caught watching pornography… you are likely going through a firestorm of emotions. You probably feel betrayed, unworthy, unloved, unattractive… and it may feel like your world is crashing down around you. Every situation is different, you may have a husband who outwardly is a very dedicated Christian leader, perhaps a great father to his kids, and at some point was the husband you always dreamed of.

But something changed.

You start to take notice of certain things, you never noticed before. He has suddenly lost interest in you sexually or has become distant and detached emotionally. You may notice irritability or unstable emotions that weren’t there before. Then one day it happens, you catch him masturbating to pornography, or maybe you stumble upon his hidden pornography stored in some hidden folder on his computer… or vastly worse your children find it.

Your heart sinks, you feel sick, you cry out in a pain that can only be rivaled by a few things. You are now completely unsure of your future. If he is hiding this secret, what else is he hiding you ask yourself. Is there another woman involved? Is he planning to leave you and the kids? Does he have a second life, a mistress on the side? Why is he always running late at work?

These thoughts overwhelm you to the point that you feel completely lost, not just in life, but even in yourself. You have given everything to this man, you have loved him… sacrificed everything to be with him… have remained loyal to him… and this is the bitter result.

What do you do?

Your first instinct may be to run, to gather the kids and head for the hills. Indeed, you could even back up your decision Biblically if needed, as most would consider pornography as a form of Adultery. You tell yourself you can never trust him again, you have no idea what other lies may be tucked away in his life.

But can I offer you another path? Forgiveness. There are three things I want you to take away from this article that are VERY important.

  1. Your husband needs help. Depending on how addicted he is to pornography it could require MASSIVE measures to break free. In this moment of pain, it is hard to think of your husband as needing help, as he is the offender and you are the victim. But I would ask you to frame it differently in your mind… the ENEMY (the Devil and his minions) are the real offenders and your marriage and family are the victims. Your husband has fallen into a very deadly trap that Satan has been using since the dawn of time to destroy men. The same trap I fell into and countless others. This is NOT a “get out of jail FREE card” for your husband, he still has to accept his responsibility in this. He made his choices, and recognizing this will be the very first step on his path to recovery. However, please be aware there are forces at work trying to kill, steal and destroy EVERYTHING. Your marriage included.
  2. Your husband’s pornography addiction is not a reflection of anything you have done, the way you look, or his love for you. All the years I was addicted to porn, I still loved my wife immeasurably, I was simply lost in a world of darkness. Jesus came to my rescue and He can do the same for your husband.
  3. There is hope for a better future. Your husband can break free of pornography, millions of men have found freedom. Our testimony as Christians is always being written and when we overcome an area in our life like pornography, two things happen, God gets all the glory as He should and our testimony will help others find freedom. One day as crazy as it sounds you may be counseling other women who have caught their husbands as you have.

Now, if you want to fight for your marriage, this is what I recommend. Get on your knees and become a Prayer Warrior over your husband. The power of a praying wife CANNOT be understated. This I can speak of from experience as my Prayer Warrior Wife helped me find Christ when I was lost in Atheism and again when I was addicted to Pornography, Anger and Pride.

I remember the day vividly, just after I was caught secretly watching pornography, that my wife came into my room crying. She told me that day “Jesus never gave up on her, and she would never give up on me.” Emotion fills me as I write about it here today… what a powerful statement of love. I am so thankful that Jesus blessed me with her.

As you pray over your husband (and don’t stop) his behavior must be brought into the light. Depending on circumstances, the truth must be told to a trusted Christian friend, mentor or leader within the Church. This is something you should decide together. If your husband serves in Ministry then the Pastor must be made aware so he can decide the best path forward.

If you have just caught your husband in the act, and have yet to tell anyone, have a long conversation with him. Tell him how much he has hurt you, he needs to hear it. If you two decide to stand together against this… which is my prayer, then he is going to have to man up and fight.

Here are some resources to help you on this path dear Sister.

Additionally I want to point you to a very special blog… Tears in a Bottle “A Safe Haven for Wounded Hearts” is not only the tagline of this site but what it represents at every level. Cynthia is a living example of the healing power of Jesus Christ no matter how broken-hearted we may be, and her stories come from a place of honesty and transparency.  Please visit her site and be blessed by her writings as I have.

We recently released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do is click here or on the image below to download the free PDF now.

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5 Symptoms of Pornography Addiction

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Photo by Dan Musat via Unsplash

In today’s world, particularly in America, it is commonplace and widely acceptable to watch pornography. So much so, that many wives have accepted the fact that their husbands have porn collections around the house or on the computer. Friends openly joke about it as it has become a cultural norm. Even popular shows like Game of Thrones have scenes every episode that would have been considered pornography just a few decades ago.

Thankfully within the Christian community there still remains some semblance of reality as it pertains to the destructive nature of pornography. Sadly that doesn’t mean Christians are exempt from its harmful effects, in fact the opposite is true, as a large number of men in the Church secretly and some openly watch pornography on a regular basis.

In a recent Men’s group I was leading, there were about 8 men, and I asked them to be honest and raise their hand if they were currently watching pornography. Half of the men raised their hands and half of those men didn’t believe there was anything wrong with it!

As I have written over and over, pornography is one of the deadliest addictions facing our world today (not physically but spiritually). Many men who watch regularly still don’t consider it an addiction, and so they keep watching over and over and over. Identifying the problem as an addiction puts it in a new category of personal issues they have to deal with, so many men actively avoid this truth as they embrace their secret or open sin.

Right now however I want to address the men or women who watch pornography and truly wonder if they might be facing an addiction in their life.

Here are 5 symptoms of Pornography Addiction:

  1. You frequently watch pornography and hide this activity from your wife/girlfriend (or husband/boyfriend).
  2. You find it more difficult to perform sexually with your spouse, but have no problems while watching porn.
  3. All sense of reason and logic leave you when have a sudden urge to watch porn. The possibility of losing your Marriage or other serious consequences have no power to stop you.
  4. You feel deep shame and regret after watching pornography but still find yourself returning to it over and over.
  5. You often feel powerless over the urges to watch porn when they overtake you. You want to stop but still find yourself going back, often times when life is most stressful.

If this describes you, I want to encourage you to seek help immediately. The enemy uses shame and guilt to make sure your secret sin stays hidden, and the only way to disable this common trap is to expose it to as much light as possible.

“Sin cannot live in the light as it is a product of darkness.”

If you are a Christian reading this, seek trusted counsel from your Church leadership and prayerfully prepare yourself for the next important step: telling your wife or husband and fighting for your Marriage.

There are a lot of resources here on this blog to help you fight your way free of this addiction, but most importantly I want you to know… you are not alone. If you want to talk with someone in confidence, I will listen, and I will not judge you. We are Brothers in Arms on the same battlefield, in the same fox hole.

“My name is Keith, I a faithful follower of Jesus Christ,
and I struggle with lust and pornography”

Resources:

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We recently released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do click the image above or below to download the free PDF.

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Overcoming Pornography

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This is a collection of STFC articles and resources for overcoming Pornography and Sex Addiction. More will be added here as they are written. You will always find a link to this article on the front page of the website.

ARTICLES:

RESOURCES:

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We just released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do is click the image above or below to dowload the PDF.

In this ebook is every step I took to gain freedom from sexual addiction and pornography. You are not only free to read it, you are also free to distribute it as you see fit with only two restrictions. One you cannot modify the PDF in any way and two you cannot charge money for it or include it with any offer that requires a purchase. It must be freely given and distributed.

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5 Signs Your Husband May Be Secretly Watching Pornography

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Photo Credit: Andrew Neel, Unsplash

This article is one of a series I plan to release in the hopes of helping men (and women) break free of the bondage of pornography addiction. Now the title and content of this article may offend some men, especially men with a hidden addiction to pornography. But the reality is quite simple, until the dark habit of viewing porn is brought into the light you cannot be free of the chains that bind you.

Men, you can be angry with me for writing this article, but if it helps get you on the path to freedom it is worth it… no matter how painful those first few steps may be.

To the wives and girlfriends reading this article

I want to share a few things with you before I get started. First pornography addiction is very much like all other addictions (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling) in the way chemical reactions take over the mind and body of the addicted. However, I believe that pornography addiction is the worst of ALL addictions especially when it comes to the utter destruction it brings in its wake. The man in your life who suffers with this addiction needs help. It is my hope that this article will help shed some light in dark places, and expose the problem if it exists.

Second, you need to understand something… your man probably (I cannot say definitively) loves you very much and his viewing of pornography is NOT a result of anything you did or did not do. It does NOT mean he has stopped loving you, your children or your marriage. It does NOT mean he does not desire you any more. It does NOT mean he doesn’t find you attractive.

When men watch pornography their brains literally get re-wired and what was once normal thinking, becomes tainted and twisted… logic plays no part in the thinking process when you are lost in lust.

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Lust held me in its chains from the age of 7 years old, when I happened upon hardcore pornography on an old VHS tape. You want to know the scary part? If I try I can still recall those images in vivid detail 39 years later. That is the powerful effect that porn has on a young mind. When I came to Jesus Christ 11 years ago, I still had a pornography addiction that was out of control… the only difference was I became keenly aware of the deadly sin in my life. It was such a struggle… watch porn, masturbate secretly, be overcome with grief and shame… wash and repeat. Over and Over. It was an absolute nightmare.

I only share this with you to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone previously lost in this addiction. You may not know that your man watches porn, but I can tell you this… most men either have or currently do watch it regularly… not all but MOST. So what are some warning signs you should look out for?

Here are 5 Signs Your Husband May Secretly Be Watching Pornography:

  1. The Clicking Mouse. Does your man have his computer in an office or room away from others? When you walk near or past the room do you hear the mouse clicking, when before it was silent? Does he always seem to be clicking away when you walk in the room? If he is secretly watching porn, he is closing browsers to cover up his behavior.
  2. Clean Browsing History. Does he always keep his browsing history clean? If you don’t know how to check it… simply google “how to check browsing history in google chrome” or whatever browser he uses. Today every browser has a private browsing feature that he can turn on anytime he wants to keep his habit a secret. But I never used that in my addiction, I would simply wipe the browsing history.
  3. Hidden Movies and Images. Many men will hide porn on their computer… they will find a nice folder deep within the file structure on their hard drive and tuck away videos and images for future “use”. If you open file explorer you can do a search for many of the most popular file type extensions like – .jpg, .png, .gif for images and .mov, .mpg, .avi for movies. If you select the hard drive and search those file types… it will bring up everything in those hard to find folders. Now I am NOT suggesting you become a super spy and secretly logon to your man’s computer to start digging for hidden porn. However, there may be a commonly used computer that can be checked. If it is there, you should know about it.
  4. Secretive Phone Use. Does your man take his smart phone with him everywhere? Even the bathroom? Does he quickly put it down, or close the screen when you walk in the room? These may be signs he is viewing porn on his device.
  5. Erectile Dysfunction. Pornography addiction and the frequent masturbation that follows commonly results in poor sexual performance. The reason is simple, the mind and body becomes adjusted to a quick fix… and after a while it generally only responds to the drug of choice. Keep in mind, there are countless reasons a man may be having performance issues… like being overweight, having diabetes, growing older etc. It should NOT be automatically assumed the source of the problem is pornography. But IF pornography is an issue, when he kicks the habit for good, his mind will be rewired back to normal and he will eventually be restored in this area.

The intent of this article is NOT to create an Army of super-detective spy women who go about accusing their men of watching porn!

The intent is to give you an awareness that you may not have had before. If your man is caught in this addiction, he needs your help, he needs your love and he needs your unyielding support. This might be the hardest thing in the world for you to provide, because when a man watches porn his wife often feels betrayed… just as if he had an affair with another woman… and I do not condemn those thoughts.

What I am asking you to do, is SEE THROUGH those thoughts… to what’s really at play here. Do you know that pornography is one of the Devils greatest weapons? He prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). He uses all sorts of deadly attacks to bring people down and this particular weapon is DEADLY beyond belief. Don’t see your husband as an unloving, uncaring, adulterous, ____________. See your husband as a man lost in SIN (Romans 3:23) and facing an enemy daily that he is too weak to overcome (Mark 14:38). An enemy that has been destroying the lives of men from the dawn of time.

How should you respond when you find out your husband has a secret addiction to porn? Pray for him, love him, support him, stand with him. Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago for ALL OF OUR SINS past, present and future (1 Peter 3:18). At this time, your husband needs you, he needs Jesus and he needs to FIGHT for your marriage, for your children and for your family. HE NEEDS HELP. It is in the darkest moments of life, that we need to become warriors. Prayer warriors that won’t back down when the devil tries to take everything from us. Now is the time to become that warrior.

In the upcoming weeks I will be releasing more articles to equip you for the battle ahead. The next one will be directed at your man… it will be a heart to heart from one man to another. I will challenge him to be a man and take a stand for is family.

After that I will publish a long list of tools and resources you can use to get through this. Dear sister, there is HOPE… and His name is Jesus Christ.

Here are some other resources you might find helpful

Stay Strong & Stand Tall

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Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction

As of Wednesday August 15, 2018 I am now making my ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” available freely to everyone. You no longer have to join the mailing list, you only have to click to download today.

CLICK THIS LINK TO DOWNLOAD NOW. ABSOLUTELY FREE.

This book has everything I used to achieve freedom from sexual bondage in my life… not to say it is game over, because believe me it is game on every time I leave the house! But for decades I lived a life of complete addiction to lust and pornography, masturbating several times a day, watching all manner of pornographic material. It nearly destroyed my life in every way.

In this short ebook I take you step-by-step through the process that helped me achieve victory. It won’t take you long to read and is jammed with resources I wish I had decades ago. If the information in this ebook helps just one person find victory, than my prayers will be answered.

By the way, when you download the ebook you also get USAGE RIGHTS with it, meaning you can give it away on your site as an incentive as much as you like… you cannot however charge people money for it, it must be freely given.

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