What a Wife Should Do If Her Husband Is Caught Watching Pornography

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Photo By Joshua Rawson Harris on Unsplash

This is a very delicate subject and if you are a wife whose husband has been caught watching pornography… you are likely going through a firestorm of emotions. You probably feel betrayed, unworthy, unloved, unattractive… and it may feel like your world is crashing down around you. Every situation is different, you may have a husband who outwardly is a very dedicated Christian leader, perhaps a great father to his kids, and at some point was the husband you always dreamed of.

But something changed.

You start to take notice of certain things, you never noticed before. He has suddenly lost interest in you sexually or has become distant and detached emotionally. You may notice irritability or unstable emotions that weren’t there before. Then one day it happens, you catch him masturbating to pornography, or maybe you stumble upon his hidden pornography stored in some hidden folder on his computer… or vastly worse your children find it.

Your heart sinks, you feel sick, you cry out in a pain that can only be rivaled by a few things. You are now completely unsure of your future. If he is hiding this secret, what else is he hiding you ask yourself. Is there another woman involved? Is he planning to leave you and the kids? Does he have a second life, a mistress on the side? Why is he always running late at work?

These thoughts overwhelm you to the point that you feel completely lost, not just in life, but even in yourself. You have given everything to this man, you have loved him… sacrificed everything to be with him… have remained loyal to him… and this is the bitter result.

What do you do?

Your first instinct may be to run, to gather the kids and head for the hills. Indeed, you could even back up your decision Biblically if needed, as most would consider pornography as a form of Adultery. You tell yourself you can never trust him again, you have no idea what other lies may be tucked away in his life.

But can I offer you another path? Forgiveness. There are three things I want you to take away from this article that are VERY important.

  1. Your husband needs help. Depending on how addicted he is to pornography it could require MASSIVE measures to break free. In this moment of pain, it is hard to think of your husband as needing help, as he is the offender and you are the victim. But I would ask you to frame it differently in your mind… the ENEMY (the Devil and his minions) are the real offenders and your marriage and family are the victims. Your husband has fallen into a very deadly trap that Satan has been using since the dawn of time to destroy men. The same trap I fell into and countless others. This is NOT a “get out of jail FREE card” for your husband, he still has to accept his responsibility in this. He made his choices, and recognizing this will be the very first step on his path to recovery. However, please be aware there are forces at work trying to kill, steal and destroy EVERYTHING. Your marriage included.
  2. Your husband’s pornography addiction is not a reflection of anything you have done, the way you look, or his love for you. All the years I was addicted to porn, I still loved my wife immeasurably, I was simply lost in a world of darkness. Jesus came to my rescue and He can do the same for your husband.
  3. There is hope for a better future. Your husband can break free of pornography, millions of men have found freedom. Our testimony as Christians is always being written and when we overcome an area in our life like pornography, two things happen, God gets all the glory as He should and our testimony will help others find freedom. One day as crazy as it sounds you may be counseling other women who have caught their husbands as you have.

Now, if you want to fight for your marriage, this is what I recommend. Get on your knees and become a Prayer Warrior over your husband. The power of a praying wife CANNOT be understated. This I can speak of from experience as my Prayer Warrior Wife helped me find Christ when I was lost in Atheism and again when I was addicted to Pornography, Anger and Pride.

I remember the day vividly, just after I was caught secretly watching pornography, that my wife came into my room crying. She told me that day “Jesus never gave up on her, and she would never give up on me.” Emotion fills me as I write about it here today… what a powerful statement of love. I am so thankful that Jesus blessed me with her.

As you pray over your husband (and don’t stop) his behavior must be brought into the light. Depending on circumstances, the truth must be told to a trusted Christian friend, mentor or leader within the Church. This is something you should decide together. If your husband serves in Ministry then the Pastor must be made aware so he can decide the best path forward.

If you have just caught your husband in the act, and have yet to tell anyone, have a long conversation with him. Tell him how much he has hurt you, he needs to hear it. If you two decide to stand together against this… which is my prayer, then he is going to have to man up and fight.

Here are some resources to help you on this path dear Sister.

Additionally I want to point you to a very special blog… Tears in a Bottle “A Safe Haven for Wounded Hearts” is not only the tagline of this site but what it represents at every level. Cynthia is a living example of the healing power of Jesus Christ no matter how broken-hearted we may be, and her stories come from a place of honesty and transparency.  Please visit her site and be blessed by her writings as I have.

We recently released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do is click here or on the image below to download the free PDF now.

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Overcoming Pornography

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This is a collection of STFC articles and resources for overcoming Pornography and Sex Addiction. More will be added here as they are written. You will always find a link to this article on the front page of the website.

ARTICLES:

RESOURCES:

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We just released my new ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” and you can get your copy completely free. All you have to do is click the image above or below to dowload the PDF.

In this ebook is every step I took to gain freedom from sexual addiction and pornography. You are not only free to read it, you are also free to distribute it as you see fit with only two restrictions. One you cannot modify the PDF in any way and two you cannot charge money for it or include it with any offer that requires a purchase. It must be freely given and distributed.

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5 Signs Your Husband May Be Secretly Watching Pornography

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Photo Credit: Andrew Neel, Unsplash

This article is one of a series I plan to release in the hopes of helping men (and women) break free of the bondage of pornography addiction. Now the title and content of this article may offend some men, especially men with a hidden addiction to pornography. But the reality is quite simple, until the dark habit of viewing porn is brought into the light you cannot be free of the chains that bind you.

Men, you can be angry with me for writing this article, but if it helps get you on the path to freedom it is worth it… no matter how painful those first few steps may be.

To the wives and girlfriends reading this article

I want to share a few things with you before I get started. First pornography addiction is very much like all other addictions (drugs, food, alcohol, gambling) in the way chemical reactions take over the mind and body of the addicted. However, I believe that pornography addiction is the worst of ALL addictions especially when it comes to the utter destruction it brings in its wake. The man in your life who suffers with this addiction needs help. It is my hope that this article will help shed some light in dark places, and expose the problem if it exists.

Second, you need to understand something… your man probably (I cannot say definitively) loves you very much and his viewing of pornography is NOT a result of anything you did or did not do. It does NOT mean he has stopped loving you, your children or your marriage. It does NOT mean he does not desire you any more. It does NOT mean he doesn’t find you attractive.

When men watch pornography their brains literally get re-wired and what was once normal thinking, becomes tainted and twisted… logic plays no part in the thinking process when you are lost in lust.

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Lust held me in its chains from the age of 7 years old, when I happened upon hardcore pornography on an old VHS tape. You want to know the scary part? If I try I can still recall those images in vivid detail 39 years later. That is the powerful effect that porn has on a young mind. When I came to Jesus Christ 11 years ago, I still had a pornography addiction that was out of control… the only difference was I became keenly aware of the deadly sin in my life. It was such a struggle… watch porn, masturbate secretly, be overcome with grief and shame… wash and repeat. Over and Over. It was an absolute nightmare.

I only share this with you to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone previously lost in this addiction. You may not know that your man watches porn, but I can tell you this… most men either have or currently do watch it regularly… not all but MOST. So what are some warning signs you should look out for?

Here are 5 Signs Your Husband May Secretly Be Watching Pornography:

  1. The Clicking Mouse. Does your man have his computer in an office or room away from others? When you walk near or past the room do you hear the mouse clicking, when before it was silent? Does he always seem to be clicking away when you walk in the room? If he is secretly watching porn, he is closing browsers to cover up his behavior.
  2. Clean Browsing History. Does he always keep his browsing history clean? If you don’t know how to check it… simply google “how to check browsing history in google chrome” or whatever browser he uses. Today every browser has a private browsing feature that he can turn on anytime he wants to keep his habit a secret. But I never used that in my addiction, I would simply wipe the browsing history.
  3. Hidden Movies and Images. Many men will hide porn on their computer… they will find a nice folder deep within the file structure on their hard drive and tuck away videos and images for future “use”. If you open file explorer you can do a search for many of the most popular file type extensions like – .jpg, .png, .gif for images and .mov, .mpg, .avi for movies. If you select the hard drive and search those file types… it will bring up everything in those hard to find folders. Now I am NOT suggesting you become a super spy and secretly logon to your man’s computer to start digging for hidden porn. However, there may be a commonly used computer that can be checked. If it is there, you should know about it.
  4. Secretive Phone Use. Does your man take his smart phone with him everywhere? Even the bathroom? Does he quickly put it down, or close the screen when you walk in the room? These may be signs he is viewing porn on his device.
  5. Erectile Dysfunction. Pornography addiction and the frequent masturbation that follows commonly results in poor sexual performance. The reason is simple, the mind and body becomes adjusted to a quick fix… and after a while it generally only responds to the drug of choice. Keep in mind, there are countless reasons a man may be having performance issues… like being overweight, having diabetes, growing older etc. It should NOT be automatically assumed the source of the problem is pornography. But IF pornography is an issue, when he kicks the habit for good, his mind will be rewired back to normal and he will eventually be restored in this area.

The intent of this article is NOT to create an Army of super-detective spy women who go about accusing their men of watching porn!

The intent is to give you an awareness that you may not have had before. If your man is caught in this addiction, he needs your help, he needs your love and he needs your unyielding support. This might be the hardest thing in the world for you to provide, because when a man watches porn his wife often feels betrayed… just as if he had an affair with another woman… and I do not condemn those thoughts.

What I am asking you to do, is SEE THROUGH those thoughts… to what’s really at play here. Do you know that pornography is one of the Devils greatest weapons? He prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). He uses all sorts of deadly attacks to bring people down and this particular weapon is DEADLY beyond belief. Don’t see your husband as an unloving, uncaring, adulterous, ____________. See your husband as a man lost in SIN (Romans 3:23) and facing an enemy daily that he is too weak to overcome (Mark 14:38). An enemy that has been destroying the lives of men from the dawn of time.

How should you respond when you find out your husband has a secret addiction to porn? Pray for him, love him, support him, stand with him. Jesus died on a cross 2,000 years ago for ALL OF OUR SINS past, present and future (1 Peter 3:18). At this time, your husband needs you, he needs Jesus and he needs to FIGHT for your marriage, for your children and for your family. HE NEEDS HELP. It is in the darkest moments of life, that we need to become warriors. Prayer warriors that won’t back down when the devil tries to take everything from us. Now is the time to become that warrior.

In the upcoming weeks I will be releasing more articles to equip you for the battle ahead. The next one will be directed at your man… it will be a heart to heart from one man to another. I will challenge him to be a man and take a stand for is family.

After that I will publish a long list of tools and resources you can use to get through this. Dear sister, there is HOPE… and His name is Jesus Christ.

Here are some other resources you might find helpful

Stay Strong & Stand Tall

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Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction

As of Wednesday August 15, 2018 I am now making my ebook “Shattering the Chains of Sexual Addiction” available freely to everyone. You no longer have to join the mailing list, you only have to click to download today.

CLICK THIS LINK TO DOWNLOAD NOW. ABSOLUTELY FREE.

This book has everything I used to achieve freedom from sexual bondage in my life… not to say it is game over, because believe me it is game on every time I leave the house! But for decades I lived a life of complete addiction to lust and pornography, masturbating several times a day, watching all manner of pornographic material. It nearly destroyed my life in every way.

In this short ebook I take you step-by-step through the process that helped me achieve victory. It won’t take you long to read and is jammed with resources I wish I had decades ago. If the information in this ebook helps just one person find victory, than my prayers will be answered.

By the way, when you download the ebook you also get USAGE RIGHTS with it, meaning you can give it away on your site as an incentive as much as you like… you cannot however charge people money for it, it must be freely given.

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5 Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction

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Over the years I have openly discussed my struggle with Pornography Addiction and lust. During that time I have discovered that this particular addiction is far more prevalent than I ever imagined. In fact MOST men suffer from some type of sexual desires that are outside of God’s design for intimacy. If you are unclear as to how harmful pornography can be please read my previous article on the subject.

In this article I want to focus on SOLUTIONS, so I have put together a list of 5 action items you can start today that will help you break free and stay free from the bondage of lust. Here are the 5 steps in the order I recommend taking them, I will elaborate on each step below:

  1. Deepen your relationship with Jesus Christ.
  2. Heal the wounds of your past.
  3. Assemble your Accountability Team.
  4. Put strong defenses in place.
  5. Share your struggle openly.

Step #1: Deepen your relationship with Jesus Christ

To be very clear there is one primary reason we get lost in sin. There may be many contributing factors, but one underlying REASON. We do not love God… as much as we can. The closer we draw near to God, the more we will want to honor him with our thoughts, bodies and actions.

If you are honest with yourself, and this is a critical step… you have to approach this with HONESTY… you will admit that when you are lost in pornography you have wandered far from Jesus. You will just feel spiritually weak as you drift further from his presence. That small voice inside, the Holy Spirit who urges you to do the right thing, will become barely audible the more you feed the desires of your flesh.

So your first step on the road to freedom is to spend more time with Jesus. This is the only way to deepen a relationship. Share your thoughts and feelings with him daily and ask him for guidance in all that you do. He loves you and is waiting with open arms. You have being doing life on your terms for how long? As Dr. Phil would say, how’s that working out for ya? It’s time to RUN into the arms of Jesus. What are you waiting for?

Step #2 Heal the Wounds of Your Past

You will never experience true freedom until you have healed the wounds of your past. Earlier I mentioned there are many contributing factors to pornography addiction and lust. Normally these are rooted in past experiences from our childhood. In this step you have to take a detailed personal inventory of who has hurt you and how you have hurt others. You want to find a quiet place where you can be alone and start at your earliest memories. Write down who hurt you, when and what they did. Create another list of who you hurt, when and what you did. When I did my inventory it was 36 pages long! The deeper you dig, the more healing you will experience.

After you finish your inventory you NEED to share it with a trusted person who won’t judge you, and then you need to completely forgive all the people who have hurt you and forgive yourself for all the wrongs you have committed. I really don’t recommend you do all of this on your own, I recommend finding a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. This is the same Christ-Centered 12 step recovery program I used and it was an amazing experience. Most cities have several meeting groups and times.

Step #3 Assemble your accountability team

If you go through Celebrate Recovery they will encourage and help you develop an accountability team. If you are going this on your own, you need to enlist members of your Church for help. Your accountability team needs to be about 2-3 trusted Christians of the same sex as you. Preferably people who have experience in your area of struggle but even better if they have some victory behind them. These people must not judge you as you share your most intimate lustful thoughts with them. They must hold you accountable when you act out and lovingly guide you back on track. For your part, you MUST be completely open and honest with them about your struggle. DO NOT HIDE YOUR BEHAVIORS or what is the point of this whole process? Do you want to be free or continue in bondage? BE OPEN. BE HONEST.

Step #4 Put strong defenses in place

Now that you are working on a closer relationship with Jesus, are working towards full healing from your past and have your accountability team in place… it is time to mount your defenses! It is a WARZONE out there and the enemy wants to destroy your marriage, crush your family, take away your livelihood and kill you!!! Are you willing to let the enemy take everything from you? It is time to MAN UP, STAND UP and PREPARE TO FIGHT! Your Marriage, Your Family, Your Ministry, Your Job and Your LIFE depends on it.

It IS THAT SERIOUS.

First thing, get some accountability software on your computer and devices RIGHT NOW! There are many choices on the market, and the one I have used for years is Covenant Eyes it only costs $15/month and you can load it on unlimited devices and computers. When you get it installed, set up your accountability team to receive its reports each week.

Next, evaluate dangerous territory and triggers in your life. BE HONEST. Can you watch TV alone safely? Can you use Social Media responsibly? What about your smart phone? Is it safe in your hands? If you have to leave something completely behind, DO IT! The stakes are too high. Be HIGHLY aware of dangerous places… do not frequent GYMS, or BEACHES as they will be filled with scantily clad women. Be smart about the choices you make. Do not put yourself in places where you are alone with a woman who is not your wife… even in places that seem innocent, like CHURCHES.

PLEASE do not think you have the willpower to do this on your own. You Do NOT! That is why you are addicted to pornography in the first place. You need to rely on Jesus Christ and submit your will to his. Give up many things in order to save the most important things in your life.

Step #5 Share your struggle openly

This final step will help you maintain a life of freedom from sexual lust and bondage. Sin likes to be hidden in dark corners of your life, places where people won’t see what you’re doing. The more you keep hidden the more destructive the consequences when it finally comes to the light. AND IT WILL COME TO THE LIGHT. God is merciful and God is very patient. But if you do not start taking the steps I have outlined above right now… it is only a matter of time before God intervenes and brings all of your hidden sin into the spotlight.

What has helped me greatly is being very transparent about my struggle, not just with my accountability team, but with the world. It seems the more people that know my struggles the more support I have in this battle. So I encourage you to live your life openly and honestly and talk frequently about your journey.

Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I write this article mostly geared towards men, as they are more commonly snared by the trap of pornography. But increasingly more and more women are becoming addicted, so this article is really for everyone. It is my prayer that you decide today, right now to be free from this terrible curse in your life. As you take these five steps you will begin to find small victories that will build up to large ones. Soon you will have days, weeks, months and years behind you since you watched pornography.

Then one day your testimony of freedom will point right up to Jesus Christ and give him all the glory. AMEN!

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Note: If you have further questions or need more support please don’t hesitate to reach out to me here. God Bless You!

 

Stay Strong & Stand Tall

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